Coach Towards Independence, Not Dependence
When success occurs, to what do we attribute it? Do we take full credit ourselves or acknowledge the helping hand of a mentor or coach? Does that coach claim full responsibility in creating the athlete who stands upon the podium? Does the business executive acknowledge the luck and hard work of those far below him on the food chain? Or does he take the lion’s share of the credit?
The ego coach (or leader) attributes success to himself. He looks at the athlete (or worker) who has proven to be successful and take complete credit for his achievements. He convinces the athlete that his brilliant training plans were the only reason that the athlete sits atop the podium. The reason for this is simple, he is trying to create dependency. When a coach works towards making an athlete feel dependent, it’s a selfish move to preserve his job or fate. Deep down the coach knows that an athlete could move on and achieve similar levels of success, so he works to ensure that the athlete is dependent on him. Dependency creates security for the ego coach.
While the aforementioned example is an extreme, coaches create dependency on a smaller scale all of the time. The worker who can’t move forward on his project until he gets approval from up the food chain. The coach who dictates every minute of an athlete’s warm-up routine. When we create dependency, we are training our athletes or employees to be fragile. Whenever they are faced with an unpredictable moment that jolts them from their normal pattern, they have nowhere to go. They’ve trained to be reliant on others.
When leaders micromanage, they don’t just slow decisions—they rewrite people’s internal ‘why.’ Classic motivation work shows that external control and rewards can flip the story from I choose this to I do this for the gold star, which erodes intrinsic drive over time. In other words, dependency isn’t neutral; it quietly drains the very motivation we say we want.
Instead, we should be pushing those we have influence over to become more independent. As a coach, we want to create individuals who are self-reliant, who can deal with adversity and change. And most importantly, we want to create individuals who will grow under our watch, hopefully surpassing their mentors (that is, us) at some point in time.
The great Australian coach, Percy Cerutty, stated that he wanted his athletes to be able to move on after only a year or two or working with him. His goal was to pass on all the wisdom he had, and then hope that they flew to higher heights. In his book, How to Become a Champion, Cerutty writes:
“(My) belief is that the athlete must be developed in the end so that he be entirely self-reliant, self-dependent, able to know instinctively and understand his nature, personality trends, and his requirements in exercise and training….”
In other words, ego coaches move towards dependence, while great coaches move towards independence. Coaching in this manner means checking your ego at the door, and having security in the fact that recognition is not what matters; helping people grow as human beings does.
It’s not just in coaching that this shows up. What does a great teacher do? They provide the tools for a student to think for themselves, to go on a journey that takes that knowledge base and takes it in a new direction. It’s the same in parenting. You aren’t trying to create mini-me automatons who mimic mom and dad, and are reliant on them for the rest of their lives. No, you want to gradually lengthen the leash, until they are set free and can navigate the crazy world with the values, principles, and tools you instilled. You’re preparing them for the journey, not bulldozing a path for them. And sure, you’ll be there for advice, wisdom, and support no matter what, but you fundamentally understand that at some point it’s their journey.
The ego screams at us to create dependence, to have our own version of a small cult, where we make everyone feel like they are nothing without us. But truly caring nudges you towards the opposite. Watching that person spread their wings and fly.
— Steve
Hard Choices Easy Life, Easy Choices Hard Life sums a lot about what goes for everyone's life in every domain/walk of life. I myself am self aware that the life I am living is on total automation, there is no autonomous decision making I hold for myself as I didn't move outside my parent's house, which leads to they generally have a say in everything which is kind of default for their generation. A ruckus get created everyday for small bit of things which impacts everybody's day both in personal and professional which leads to a lot of stress and anxiety leading to poor focus & effort allocation throughout the whole day leading to mediocre efforts which will lead to mediocre or no result in the future.
I have said to myself that I need to move out from here, it will good for my personal growth, professionally as well and good for my family's overall health as well. I don't want to be dictated by my family in my 30's, when will I develop the skill of decision making the. I see almost 99% of people are living superficial lives even with their partners, they are not blunt about they want to speak or be who they are. Decisions are being made everywhere in some kind of peer pressure, even when I see they say we love each other a lot but then I see their decisions where the pressure gets seen mounted by one partner on the other. We are not living, our bodies are alive. Till date I haven't been around a human who has the skill of extreme ownership meaning they take onus of everything in their lives, I am surrounded by people blaming other people, government, their extended family for some or the other thing. And I see myself being turned into that over the last 27 years I have been alive, from the last couple of months I have changed every bit of narration that goes in my mind where I say to my parents that because of you people I had to pursue law and now I am doomed. But now I flipped the script, I take ownership & accountability of almost everything, I blame myself because I need to develop this skill to improve my life right now and for the upcoming times as well. Blaming others won't ever help me, in every situation if we think deeply we could have done better in that circumstance if we had the decision making skill. I don't see around me people with rational decision making skills as well.
I could surrender right now and say to myself that fuck everything and join your father's business. But I am revolting against my life because I know it as easy decision to join the business but only in the present. If I look it from ten thousand foot view, I know this is not what I want. I have to stand up for myself and take decisions that I want to and not what other people expect of me.
Muy buen punto. Entre más se genera dependencia, más limitado estará el atleta de dar su máximo, pues no será capaz de hacerlo, pues considera que no es él, sino el coach quien lo genera. Al final, ambos se deben nutrir (uno del otro) y así sacar la mejor versión que los haga crecer. No es una relación de dependencia, debe ser una relación de fortalecimiento.