Steve, this is so much good stuff. This applies to other areas as well. It's wonderful advice for the parents of kids who show an aptitude in the arts as well. Trust me here. As a parent of both a D1 athlete and a theater kid...sports parents have nothing on theater parents. Thanks for your post and clear-eyed advice.
As the dad of a former D1 swimmer, I lived this whole article and learned a whole lot of parenting lessons in the process!
In addition to “teach them how to lose,” I would add “teach them how to win.” If you have a kid who’s exceptional, they’re going to win way more often than they lose, and they need to learn early that winning graciously will take them farther in life than being an insufferable grandstander.
The “chill out” message is so much harder to sell than the panic, which is exactly why the panic wins. As a sports parent, the thing that finally calmed me down was having an actual baseline for my kid instead of a vague fear that everyone else was doing more. Anxiety thrives on the absence of real information - when you can see steady progress over time, you stop comparing them to a stranger’s highlight reel. Chill is easier when the data tells you they’re fine.
Jay, this is EXACTLY where I’m at right now with both of my kids in club soccer. The amount of anxiety or panic that comes with the sport is exhausting. As you mentioned, having a baseline to set realistic goals for our kids, rather than comparing them to another kid’s highlight reel, should be the measure that we go by, including that all important factor of patience as our kids develop their craft.
If I were a coach talking to parents of a kid who was concerned about the kid's performance, in addition to all you say, I'd encourage the parents to look at the big picture, to take a longer view. As you point out, most kids don't make it, but even the ones who *do* make it all the way to the pros will be at the end of their career by their mid 30s and will need to move on to something else. Kids who are good at sports should play sports, but should have other interests as well, so that when their sporting days are over they can move on to something else they are interested in doing. "It's only a game" came to mind as I read your article.
This is such a well written and great piece. Thanks for sharing. I think one of the most important things to teach them is how to lose and to enjoy the sport they are in. Competitive sports are only great when the kids love what they're doing and sharing the sport with friends who support them and they enjoy. And when they get to college, they should be able to pick if they want to continue or not, think that's important too.
Steve, thank you for sharing such a beautiful piece. I cannot wait to share something to piggyback alongside this from my experience. It is so important to understand for not only healthy childhood development, but sustainable athletic development across the lifespan.
Great article! The parents who do this well, and the ones who get in their own way, are rarely separated by how much they care. They are separated by whether they can resist the urge to be a second coach in every postgame conversation, every practice debrief, every meal after a tough loss. Kids can tell the difference between a parent who is present for them and a parent who is present for the result, and that read happens long before they can put words on it. The hardest discipline in youth sports is doing nothing and being quiet. Most parents do not know what they do not know, which is why coaches have to give them clear boundaries.
Love this article, great points! There is a distinctive difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles, though. I’m pretty sure the research is clear that an authoritative parenting style is most consistent with better outcomes across the board. It’s both firm and supportive with reasoning as opposed to firm without reasoning (authoritarian, similar outcomes to permissive). I know this isn’t the point of the article, but thought that was important to point out.
Steve, this is so much good stuff. This applies to other areas as well. It's wonderful advice for the parents of kids who show an aptitude in the arts as well. Trust me here. As a parent of both a D1 athlete and a theater kid...sports parents have nothing on theater parents. Thanks for your post and clear-eyed advice.
As the dad of a former D1 swimmer, I lived this whole article and learned a whole lot of parenting lessons in the process!
In addition to “teach them how to lose,” I would add “teach them how to win.” If you have a kid who’s exceptional, they’re going to win way more often than they lose, and they need to learn early that winning graciously will take them farther in life than being an insufferable grandstander.
Great stuff, Steve. Thanks for sharing.
The “chill out” message is so much harder to sell than the panic, which is exactly why the panic wins. As a sports parent, the thing that finally calmed me down was having an actual baseline for my kid instead of a vague fear that everyone else was doing more. Anxiety thrives on the absence of real information - when you can see steady progress over time, you stop comparing them to a stranger’s highlight reel. Chill is easier when the data tells you they’re fine.
Jay, this is EXACTLY where I’m at right now with both of my kids in club soccer. The amount of anxiety or panic that comes with the sport is exhausting. As you mentioned, having a baseline to set realistic goals for our kids, rather than comparing them to another kid’s highlight reel, should be the measure that we go by, including that all important factor of patience as our kids develop their craft.
If I were a coach talking to parents of a kid who was concerned about the kid's performance, in addition to all you say, I'd encourage the parents to look at the big picture, to take a longer view. As you point out, most kids don't make it, but even the ones who *do* make it all the way to the pros will be at the end of their career by their mid 30s and will need to move on to something else. Kids who are good at sports should play sports, but should have other interests as well, so that when their sporting days are over they can move on to something else they are interested in doing. "It's only a game" came to mind as I read your article.
Had to restack this. So intelligent pieco of work.
This is such a well written and great piece. Thanks for sharing. I think one of the most important things to teach them is how to lose and to enjoy the sport they are in. Competitive sports are only great when the kids love what they're doing and sharing the sport with friends who support them and they enjoy. And when they get to college, they should be able to pick if they want to continue or not, think that's important too.
Steve, thank you for sharing such a beautiful piece. I cannot wait to share something to piggyback alongside this from my experience. It is so important to understand for not only healthy childhood development, but sustainable athletic development across the lifespan.
Great article! The parents who do this well, and the ones who get in their own way, are rarely separated by how much they care. They are separated by whether they can resist the urge to be a second coach in every postgame conversation, every practice debrief, every meal after a tough loss. Kids can tell the difference between a parent who is present for them and a parent who is present for the result, and that read happens long before they can put words on it. The hardest discipline in youth sports is doing nothing and being quiet. Most parents do not know what they do not know, which is why coaches have to give them clear boundaries.
Love this article, great points! There is a distinctive difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting styles, though. I’m pretty sure the research is clear that an authoritative parenting style is most consistent with better outcomes across the board. It’s both firm and supportive with reasoning as opposed to firm without reasoning (authoritarian, similar outcomes to permissive). I know this isn’t the point of the article, but thought that was important to point out.
Great insights. Let kids be kids and chill out really stand out
Extremely valuable! Thanks, Steve