Also, as a youth coach, sometimes the parent's "coaching" is contradicting the coach. We might be running a possession play when a parent is encouraging their kid to go to goal. And it creates additional unnecessary conflict for the player.
The same has unfortunately happened with academics as well, especially in lots of Asian families. They put so much pressure on the kid to get As, and then punish them if they don't, either by taking actual privileges away or just treating them coldly and rudely. A lot of us learned young that love was contingent on our exam results. Because of this, it took me until my 20s to realize I never hated school or learning, I just hated the fear of failure for taking the joy of learning away from me.
Such good reminders and advice. Thank you. And I find the same stance true in all kinds of relationships, beyond parenting, beyond sport. If those pressure dynamics are set down in childhood, they can continue at work, in school, at home, between spouses, etc. Like the example you give of even stars like Donovan needing to learn to listen to a different voice than the one consumed with performance (and the love conditioned on it), we all need to remember to play for the love of the game and that our value and worth are not dependent on the score.
Thanks so much. That's exactly it. I think we do folks a disservice when we don't allow them to learn how to navigate their inner world, without an insane amount of pressure piled on top.
Also, as a youth coach, sometimes the parent's "coaching" is contradicting the coach. We might be running a possession play when a parent is encouraging their kid to go to goal. And it creates additional unnecessary conflict for the player.
Yep. A great point. And in that contradiction you create hesitation.
The same has unfortunately happened with academics as well, especially in lots of Asian families. They put so much pressure on the kid to get As, and then punish them if they don't, either by taking actual privileges away or just treating them coldly and rudely. A lot of us learned young that love was contingent on our exam results. Because of this, it took me until my 20s to realize I never hated school or learning, I just hated the fear of failure for taking the joy of learning away from me.
Such good reminders and advice. Thank you. And I find the same stance true in all kinds of relationships, beyond parenting, beyond sport. If those pressure dynamics are set down in childhood, they can continue at work, in school, at home, between spouses, etc. Like the example you give of even stars like Donovan needing to learn to listen to a different voice than the one consumed with performance (and the love conditioned on it), we all need to remember to play for the love of the game and that our value and worth are not dependent on the score.
Thanks for these important reminders.
Thanks so much. That's exactly it. I think we do folks a disservice when we don't allow them to learn how to navigate their inner world, without an insane amount of pressure piled on top.